More downs then ups, and now holidays fastly approch.

I think back this last year and know that things have to get better in life somehow. At the same time I am trying so so hard to stay up beat and active. More often then not I slip back into this emotional hole and each time I claw my way out of it. Its just finally starting to take less time to get back to neutral. Is neutral better then depression? IDK In Maui was the first time I felt alive in a long time. Still just my Mom and I, but it was different and felt like a nice restart. So I have that to look forward to when the eventual happens. I know my mother and uncle will not live forever. My biggest fear in this life is being the last survivor of the family and not have anyone in my life anymore. Its the reality I know will happen all too soon. And the fear is I will fall apart alone. Delve into my darkness, and just fester in life.

That's my depression talking. I know that. Still its a harsh reality. IDK how people do it. Live. I have never had a relationship with anyone, but I know its something that my heart longs for. At times get close to someone and it always ends up that I am some kind of brother role. never the guy they want, but always the guy they use when they are hurting or in need of something. Its made my own self worth very low, and my trust of women in general very poor. Ultimately this feeling ended up costing me not only the friendship of a family I have know since I was born, but also the last and closest friend I had in real life.

Now I walk the world knowing I am friendless in my real life. While in ways that's liberating, its so very lonely. I look at others so happy in life, walking hand in hand with their loved ones. Knowing that is not a reality I may ever have. I bow my head look away and move on my heart all the more heavy. There is life which I feel most in this world have. Wife, Friends, children... and then there is existence, which is what I feel I have. Thankfully its a comfortable existence. I mean I don't live in a cave or a tent. I know it could be worse. It does not change the abnormality of my existence. And the lack of the feelings I long to have within me.